I am utterly disgusted. Ridiculously angry. I haven't been so furious in a long time. I'm angry at myself and I'm angry at the world.
A student of mine pulled a knife on two other students in a neighboring classroom yesterday.
I know this student. She is a sweetheart. Quiet and never caused any trouble before. Out of all my students, she would be one of the least likely candidates to be brandishing a knife with the intent to kill. I am shocked numb.
But my mind tells me I shouldn't be surprised. Things like this CAN happen. She was sick and tired of being teased because one of her arms was smaller and misshapened. She was defending herself against the bullying of two nitwit imbeciles who did not hesitate to throw verbal daggers at her, pushing her past the breaking point. Couple the agony with the pain of a household in discord. Little wonder she came packing a knife to defend herself--the frustration of a cornered victim, with plenty of anger, nowhere to run, nowhere to release it.
The dam burst.
And I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything to stop this. I didn't NOTICE. She was being BULLIED and I just let it be the case, being my cynical, smug self.
She was immediately apprehended, the knife pried from her hands, replaced by handcuffs. Escorted to the police precinct, treated like a common criminal.
And the tragedy is that it didn't have to be this way. If someone just acted, someone just said anything, she would be right here in my classroom this afternoon, listening earnestly as usual.
But no one did.
How am I supposed to go to sleep?
Friday, March 14, 2008
Friday, March 7, 2008
Teachers need hugs
3 PM. The end of a school-day. It also happens to be a Friday. The end of a school-week. Time for celebration? No. I don't have "Hallelujah chorus" playing in my head. Rather I'm tempted to drown my sorrows at the neighboring waterhole.
I don't think I'll do that though. What I really need is to go away. I want to retreat to somewhere secluded and disappear. Just stare at the grass and vegetate. I guess it comes with the loneliness of having to bear a burden by myself. I have to maintain this image of being someone's who is an authority figure all day long. Projecting an illusion that I'm put together. It's pure theatre. The strains of this load wear me away to exhaustion.
To be frank, I'm trying to preserve myself. To maintain some coherence in who I am. It's not easy to be yelled at by adolescents all week. To be heckled by kids demanding pens, pencils, and paper from teachers as if teachers are magical genies of the lamp (a sizable proportion of my students show up to class without any paper or writing utensils). To watch miscreants throwing paper balls (and even my pencil sharpener) at one another and misogynists hitting their female classmates with abandon.
Sometimes students push me to my limits. Last week, I had a student sufficiently do so. I pulled him aside and put on my meanest ghetto impression:
"When I get you in trouble, I will make it hurt, yah hear? I will put your ass on a GRILL, you know what I'm saying?"
I said this in a menacingly low voice.
The student nodded silently, with an apprehensive expression on his face. His eyes faced downward, not meeting my glare.
I think the biggest change from last year to this year for me as a teacher is that I'm no longer afraid of my kids. I've become jaded--been there, done that, you're old news. When kids threaten me, I respond with pointed verbal barbs and a twisted smile. For instance, the other day, a kid screamed at me, "I'm going to sue you."
"Oh yea?" I responded with a tinge of anger. "Then SUE me."
The absurd no longer terrorizes me anymore. Yesterday, I walked through a police crime scene outside my school, witnessing two kids being put away in handcuffs. My sole concern was how I could leave the scene as soon as possible, without being held up in the shuffle (I had to meet some friends for burgers). As kids were being locked up by the cops, I walked away to the subway without a guilty conscience, sufficiently dehumanized by my dealings with them. Only today did I find out that the police presence yesterday was a response to a huge brawl between kids from neighboring schools that had taken place minutes before. Luckily, I avoided the meelee.
I sometimes imagine myself as a prison guard. I walk around with a slow deliberate gait. Sometimes all I have to do now is look and mischief stops. I have a reputation; kids say, "Watch out, Misterteacher's here. He gets hard on you." I feel that I do horrible things, but I go to sleep soundly as a baby at night. Actually I don't. I twist and turn, wake up bleary-eyed in the morning and do this again.
What keeps me going on?
Today I got another nugget of encouragement. A fellow teacher came up to me and told me that the kids told her that they think I'm an efficient teacher. That I keep my class running smooth and that they appreciate my structure and organization. Kids quiet down in my class because when Misterteacher thinks the class is loud, he doesn't yell. He shuts the hell up and stops teaching. And the kids respond by quieting down.
Brought a smile to my face. I'm doing something right. Giving them tough love. The kids joke with me and I can joke back now. Smiles occassionally crack on my face. I've been building relationships with many of my kids. I think that I'm going to miss them next year.
Now some advice for the reader: if you know any teachers out there, especially ones that are a bit down and lonely, I advise you to do this: give them a hug. A nice bear-hug. They really need it. A little token of affirmation can go a long way to cheer up someone who sometimes faces nothing but jeers and insults. Teachers put up with a lot of crap.
I don't think I'll do that though. What I really need is to go away. I want to retreat to somewhere secluded and disappear. Just stare at the grass and vegetate. I guess it comes with the loneliness of having to bear a burden by myself. I have to maintain this image of being someone's who is an authority figure all day long. Projecting an illusion that I'm put together. It's pure theatre. The strains of this load wear me away to exhaustion.
To be frank, I'm trying to preserve myself. To maintain some coherence in who I am. It's not easy to be yelled at by adolescents all week. To be heckled by kids demanding pens, pencils, and paper from teachers as if teachers are magical genies of the lamp (a sizable proportion of my students show up to class without any paper or writing utensils). To watch miscreants throwing paper balls (and even my pencil sharpener) at one another and misogynists hitting their female classmates with abandon.
Sometimes students push me to my limits. Last week, I had a student sufficiently do so. I pulled him aside and put on my meanest ghetto impression:
"When I get you in trouble, I will make it hurt, yah hear? I will put your ass on a GRILL, you know what I'm saying?"
I said this in a menacingly low voice.
The student nodded silently, with an apprehensive expression on his face. His eyes faced downward, not meeting my glare.
I think the biggest change from last year to this year for me as a teacher is that I'm no longer afraid of my kids. I've become jaded--been there, done that, you're old news. When kids threaten me, I respond with pointed verbal barbs and a twisted smile. For instance, the other day, a kid screamed at me, "I'm going to sue you."
"Oh yea?" I responded with a tinge of anger. "Then SUE me."
The absurd no longer terrorizes me anymore. Yesterday, I walked through a police crime scene outside my school, witnessing two kids being put away in handcuffs. My sole concern was how I could leave the scene as soon as possible, without being held up in the shuffle (I had to meet some friends for burgers). As kids were being locked up by the cops, I walked away to the subway without a guilty conscience, sufficiently dehumanized by my dealings with them. Only today did I find out that the police presence yesterday was a response to a huge brawl between kids from neighboring schools that had taken place minutes before. Luckily, I avoided the meelee.
I sometimes imagine myself as a prison guard. I walk around with a slow deliberate gait. Sometimes all I have to do now is look and mischief stops. I have a reputation; kids say, "Watch out, Misterteacher's here. He gets hard on you." I feel that I do horrible things, but I go to sleep soundly as a baby at night. Actually I don't. I twist and turn, wake up bleary-eyed in the morning and do this again.
What keeps me going on?
Today I got another nugget of encouragement. A fellow teacher came up to me and told me that the kids told her that they think I'm an efficient teacher. That I keep my class running smooth and that they appreciate my structure and organization. Kids quiet down in my class because when Misterteacher thinks the class is loud, he doesn't yell. He shuts the hell up and stops teaching. And the kids respond by quieting down.
Brought a smile to my face. I'm doing something right. Giving them tough love. The kids joke with me and I can joke back now. Smiles occassionally crack on my face. I've been building relationships with many of my kids. I think that I'm going to miss them next year.
Now some advice for the reader: if you know any teachers out there, especially ones that are a bit down and lonely, I advise you to do this: give them a hug. A nice bear-hug. They really need it. A little token of affirmation can go a long way to cheer up someone who sometimes faces nothing but jeers and insults. Teachers put up with a lot of crap.
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